A Series of Infuriating Events
by sycayersou
Summary: Suikoden I. Tir doesn't think that Luc is pulling his weight within the Liberation Army [probably because he doesn't want to be there?]and assigns him one simple task. Babysit a four year old Elf. Luc's POV, hopefully humorous.
1. Just Can't Get The Staff

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Suikoden, nor do I own Luc, or any of the other Suikoden characters.**_

**Author's note: Hopefully, this fanfic will be humorous. I will not be involving OCs like I usually do, since ASoIE is Luc centred and from Luc's point of view.**

**Sorry, Luc, but it just suddenly hit me last night how bad you'd be at babysitting, and how funny it would be for bystanders.**

**Luc: (Through gritted teeth) No problem.**

**Kiba: Sorry!**

**Luc: Sometimes, I wonder why I continue to let you live.**

**Kiba: (Wink) Because I'm awesome.**

**Luc: (Raised eyebrow)**

**Kiba: Ooookay. And now, on with the show!**

**Luc: Finally.

* * *

**

I don't know how I get into these situations. Really, I don't. I am a powerful magician! I hold, in my right hand, the True Wind rune! I would sometimes like to be shown even the tiniest bit of respect!

_This is all Leknaat's fault. If that witch hadn't sent me here, I'd be perfectly happy. Just once, you_ _know, I'd like to kick back, whack some music on the stereo and drink a nice big mug of coffee. On my own. Without some annoying Elven brat running around my feet and trying to snap my staff._

_Hold on. __**SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK MY STAFF?!**_Oh, that does it. That is IT!

"Ishtar! Get off of my staff, NOW!!" The child turned to look at me, her big blue eyes radiating innocence. "If you break that, I will Shred you so bad, your PARENTS won't even recognise you!" She burst into tears.

I shouldn't be so hard on the child, really. She's had a troubled life, the four years of it that she has lived. Her parents are Elven refugees, probably the only survivors of the fire a year or so ago. But still. She was trying to break my staff.

I swear that child has made it her personal mission in life to drive me insane.

"Ishtar, you better stop crying, right now!" I told her, forcefully.

"But- but- but Uncle Luc hates me!" She sobbed.

Damn right I do, you little brat.

"No I don't, Ishtar, it's just that if you break my staff, I'm in big trouble." I was trying to be nice. God help me, I was trying.

"Why?" The child was calming down. Thank God. If Tir came in and realised I had made the brat cry, he might actually kill me.

"I just am, okay? Don't touch the staff. Got that?" I tried to look kind. I probably only succeeded in looking patronising, but does a four-year-old really know the difference? I think not.

"Okay, Uncle Luc! I won't!" Ishtar flashed me a huge, dazzlingly white grin. I attempted to smile back. It was probably just a grimace in the end, but oh well.

She dropped my staff and ran off, probably to her mother.

_Bye bye, brat._

Perhaps now I could relax. Luckily for me, Tir had recently invested in a chair. So now, instead of standing by that stupid piece of rock, I get to _sit_ by it instead. Oh, joys unbounded!

I went to get a drink from the kitchen… Kitchen? I don't know, I don't like this place enough to learn where things were. It was a room, with a kettle and some ground coffee beans. That's good enough for me.

So I was sitting there, in my chair, bored out of my wits, drinking coffee and creating miniature Shreddings just for funzies, when Tir walked in.

"What do _you_ want?" I asked him, glaring. He laughed.

"Nice greeting."

"Seriously, are you here for a reason?" I wasn't in the mood. Not right now. I just wanted to relax. On my own. Solo. "'Cause if not, you can go away, thanks." My tone was pretty icy, but I figured Tir could take it. If not, then he's in the wrong job.

"Actually, yeah. I was wondering how you're getting along with your new assignment."

_Oh, yes. That's right, I remember now. This is Tir's fault. He decided I wasn't pulling my weight, and then offloaded that little Elven demon on me. Thanks a lot, Tir. And you expect me to be nice to you WHY?_

"I'm not. I hate her. I am _this _close," I held up my thumb and forefinger, approximately a millimetre away from touching, "To using The Shredding on that little brat!"

Tir looked shocked.

"Don't be so harsh, Luc! She's had a hard life, cut her some slack!"

"NO! You don't have to deal with her, every- single- DAY! She's driving me insane! Please, give me something else to do!" I put my coffee on the floor and stood, then walked across to Tir, placing my hands on his shoulders, imploring him to relieve me of this demon. "She's like the spawn of the devil!"

Tir shook his head, not an inch of sympathy in him.

"She can't be that bad. She _is _only a child, after all." And there it went. My one chance of freedom, and I was left standing, despondently waving bye-bye to my life.

I drained the last of my coffee, now cold, and took the long route to the kitchen. I handed the mug to whichever girl was doing the washing up today and returned to my cell. Well, it's not really a cell, it's not like I'm a prisoner or anything, but it sure as hell feels like it.

Why does Tir never take _me_ out on the battlefield? Or even just a routine recruiting trip? I'll tell you why: He's too busy with his 'A-team'. The skilled fighters and healers.

You would think, I, bearer of a True Rune would fall into that category, would you not? Well, apparently I don't. The only things I have to break up the monotony around here are coffee, Ishtar (I shudder to think that I might actually like the child), and Viki. Blink, blink, Viki.

I don't dislike the girl, but she is so stupid it's unreal. She has a really useful rune, too, and she can't even control it. Whatever.

I returned to my room (cell) to find my staff, gone, and Ishtar sitting in my chair.

I began to shake with suppressed anger.

"Ishtar…" I tried to remain calm. Tried and failed. "Where in hell is my staff?"

"What staff?" She asked, in that annoying singsong voice of hers.

"My _staff. _You know, the one you tried to destroy earlier!" My hands were clenched into fists at my sides. _Must not Shred, must not Shred, must not Shred…_

"I don't know." She sang.

_MUST NOT SHRED MUST NOT SHRED MUST NOT SHRED! MUST NOT FRIGGIN' SHRED!!_

"Okay, Ishtar, I will give you a chance." I told her in a dangerously quiet voice. "You will go, now, and within the next ten minutes, whoever took my staff will return it, in one piece, intact, to this room. They will prop it against my chair. Then they will come to find me in the kitchen, drowning my stomach in coffee. You got that?"

"Yes, Uncle Luc!" She chimed, then ran off.

* * *

Ten minutes later, I returned to my room (cell). 

No staff. Ishtar, yes, but no staff.

"Ishtar…" I growled.

"I don't know where your staff is, Uncle Luc! I looked everywhere but I don't remember where I hid it!"

* * *

**Author's note: Sorry it's so short, but I didn't want it to drag, you know? I just wanted to establish what was happening, who was involved, and the fact that most of what goes on in Luc's head is not revealed.****See Tir, he does have a personality!**

**Tir: Yeah. But it isn't a good one, is it?**

**Kiba: Yes! It's just a normal personality!**

**Luc: So ner. And I told you liked coffee, didn't I Kiba? Is this why you wanted to know?**

**Kiba: Uh-huh! (Nods) And sorry I'm making your life a misery, Luc.**

**Luc: No problem, as long as people review.**

**Kiba: Hint hint, much?**

**Tir: People, we've not tormented Luc for nothing, have we? Review, please!!**

**Kiba: Yeah, and any advice or ideas are 100 welcome!**


	2. Hallelujah!

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Suikoden, nor do I own Luc, or any of the other Suikoden characters.**_

**Author's note: Okay, in this chapter I aim to; help Luc recover his staff; have Ishtar drive Luc even MORE insane (sorry!); introduce a few other characters. Perhaps Viki will accidentally teleport herself onto his coffee or something? I dunno.**

**Sorry again, Luc!**

**Luc: You want to die, don't you?**

**Kiba: You wanna try it?**

**Luc: I'll Shred you! I'm not kidding!**

**Valeria: Oh, come on, Luc! We all know that if you were going to Shred Kiba, you'd have done it before she had chance to upload this fanfic. Stop making promises you can't keep.**

**Luc: Shut up, Valeria. What are you even doing here, anyway?!**

**Valeria: (Shrugs) Tormenting you. It sounded like fun, so…**

**Luc: Well get lost!**

**Valeria: Oooooh who poisoned **_**your**_** coffee?**

**Kiba: Anyway! On with the show!

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**

I blinked, barely awake, and found that, once again, someone had left a coffee on my bedside table, steaming hot, just before I woke.

_Weird. I wonder who? _I shrugged. Who cares who? I was getting a free coffee, without having to get up, with no milk and no sugar. Perfect!

I grabbed the mug by the handle, God knows I need a lot of caffeine to wake me up in the mornings, and was about to drink when I heard a scream above me. I looked up, confused, and saw an equally confused Viki suspended in the air above me, quite set to fall on my face.

"**Uaaaaaaaahhhh!**" She shrieked as she fell.

"Oh holy- OW!!" As predicted, she landed smack, bang on my head. Well, that's one sure-fire way to wake a guy up. "Viki, get the hell off my face!" I shouted, my voice muffled by her nightdress.

"Luc, oh my God, I am _so_ sorry! I just woke up, and I have a cold, and- _achoo!_"

"OWWW!!!!" I was in pain now. Not only had she just given me serious whiplash and possibly a broken nose, but now I think my kneecaps were suffering too." You just teleported onto my _legs_, you dipshit!"

"Sorry!! I can't- _achoo!_"

Gone. So now what do I do? I have a probable broken nose, probable cracked kneecaps and probable whiplash. It's highly likely now that I will catch Viki's cold, me being prone to such minor illnesses, I've scalded my left arm where my coffee spilled and now, after I decide to get up and face the whole godforsaken world, I have to go deal with the child from hell.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm alive. I really do.

So I dragged myself out of bed, mainly since today I have to find my staff, since Ishtar still couldn't remember, after two days, where she's hidden it, and then I can maybe get some peace…

Ha, what am I saying? Of course I won't get any peace! I'm starting to think that this whole goddamned castle is congregated for the sole purpose of driving me round the twist.

No joke.

* * *

About half an hour later, after washing, dressing, and getting myself a fresh mug of coffee, I sat, getting more and more infuriated, beside the stupid stone tablet. 

"Uncle Luc! Uncle Luc!" Ishtar screeched joyfully. I gritted my teeth.

"What?" I replied, completely uninterested.

"Look what I can do! Look what I can do!"

"I'm watching." I replied, teeth still gritted.

Damn right I'm watching. For the day you break your neck doing your goddamned handstands, you little brat.

She did her handstand against the wall. Big thrill. Whoop.

"Great, Ishtar. Now can you go do that someplace _else?_"

The child burst into tears. Seriously, is it so easy to upset a four-year-old? Remind me never to have kids.

"Waaaaaah!"

I sighed.

"What's wrong, Ishtar?" Totally rhetorical, of course. I did not, I repeat, NOT, want the brat to answer. The sound of her voice gives me nightmares. Seriously.

"Uncle Luc's being mean!!"

Lucky for me, Tir walked in at that moment. Oh, sorry, did I say 'lucky'? I meant 'dooming'. My bad.

"Luc, what the hell have you done?" He asked, apparently appalled. I opened my mouth to answer, but of course-

"UNCLE LUC'S BEING MEAN!!" Ishtar snivelled. Tir turned to me.

_Aww, crap. Now I'm for it._

"Luc, seriously, cut it out. I don't want to have to, but if necessary, I'll come down pretty hard on you. How do you think the True Wind rune would stand up against the Soul Eater, huh? She's only a kid. Pick on someone your own damn size." He wasn't kidding.

"I- but- I-! Come on, Tir!" I was trying to sound reasonable. "You know I wouldn't-"

"Luc. I don't want excuses. I want amends." He glared at me, rather out of character, for him. He was usually such a nice guy. "Now, I had a reason for coming in here… what was it? Oh, yeah. Listen up, Luc. You're getting a day off."

"A day off what?" I asked, rather stupidly.

"A day off babysitting. I need your help-or rather, I need your rune."

I stared at him, suspicious.

"Why…? What's going on?"

"Well, there this… thing…Well…"

"Come on, spit it out." I was losing patience. What was going on?

"Okay, okay… There's this… fire… thingy. It's like a monster, and it's tormenting a little mountain town somewhere… I think it's called Isnagh or something… and we can't beat it. I figured if I team you up with Cleo, who recently acquired a Water rune, we might stand a chance against it. Whaddya think?"

"Why can't you just use your 'A-team'? I thought they were perfect." I asked bitterly. I sounded like a sulky kid, but I didn't much care.

"Ah… I tried… We nearly died." Tir grimaced.

"Oh, right." I wanted to scream 'YES! TAKE ME WITH YOU! BREAK THE MONOTONY! TAKE ME TO THE FIRE-THINGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

However, I didn't want to sound too enthusiastic. So instead, I replied.

"Yeah, whatever. If it gets meout of this hellhole, I think I'm prepared to do anything."

Tir grinned.

"Do not, for your own benefit, say that in front of Sheena."

Sheena's _gay?_

"Sheena's _gay?_"

"Apparently. It kind of slipped out at the dinnertable last night that he'd made a pass at Flik. Poor guy. Then, supposedly, Viktor as well."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Anyways," Tir said as he left, "I look forward to working with you. Don't let me down!"

See what I mean? Generally nice guy!

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**Author's note:** **Review, please!!**

**And he still didn't get his staff back. Poor guy.**


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